The traditional holiday shopping season now begins on Black Friday Eve (some of you old timers may remember this as “Thanksgiving”). Every store will open at a different time and it is up to you, our intrepid shopper, to find out when.
I could tell you to research in advance but that would be pointless as many stores don’t post their hours until right before BFE, so you will just have to search for them with the grim determination of a castaway looking for an immunity idol on Exile Island.
When you finally discover the schedule you must read really, really, tiny, tiny print telling you what is actually on sale and which products to which your coupon applies.
Once, when I was IN A STORE, the manager told me to consult the website to see if something was on sale. Okay, so now I need to have a team of analysts accompany me to my next shopping expedition to advise me of valid sales. Like on those shows where they have the geek on the little headset,
"Hey, Baby Girl, can you hack the IP address for this?"
"Sure, but they are bouncing the signal off of several servers. Luckily, I breached the firewall, created a reverse virus to counteract their worm, and I'm in!!! Okay, that skirt is definitely 20% off if you have their mobile app, scan the QR code, and like it, tweet it, and pin it to at least 20 friends. Will there be anything else your sweet self needs?"
Also, there are exactly 3 items in the entire store that actually can be purchased with your coupon and you can bet your little loyalty card that once you are at the register after waiting in line wherein you meet your soul mate, date, and break up you will find that this sale does not apply to the unfortunate item you have selected.
Oh, and don't get me started on returning things. Well, too late, I'm already started and there's no stopping me now!
Me: Excuse me, I need to return this item, there's nothing wrong with it, I bought it yesterday, and here's the receipt.
Sales person: Well, I can't return it because the code on your receipt is an L-code, and see this little number here? That means I have to enter it with an authorization identifier, which comes from headquarters through an online kiosk which can only be accessed with a key, which I request from my manager, who uses it to email the district manager who validates the sequence number - that's the number on the back of your receipt, combined with your SKU number, then we all simultaneously turn a key after we call the president for the launch codes...
