Quilt Bingos

One of my favorite small-town country pursuits is going to quilt bingos. These are bingo games, frequently held outdoors at town or church picnics, in which one can win a beautiful, hand-made quilt. Anyway, ignoring the fact that I've probably spent enough on quilt bingo games to invest in my own retail quilt shop, it's still my dream to actually win one.

It is, however, the bane of my bingo existence to have to deal with other bingo players. They are frustrating for the following reasons:
1. They are there. This greatly reduces my chances of actually winning a quilt.
2. When they do win, they are not nearly as excited, appreciative, or happy as I would be were I ever to win. This greatly diminishes the entire bingo experience.

If you have ever been to one of these games, you too would notice that there are several people there. People who also have bingo cards with actual numbers on them which could be called. This, of course, affects my winning percentage dramatically.

Frustratingly, I have sat into the chilly, wee hours of the morning on hard planks of plywood with a handful of visually and hearing-impaired octogenarians who seem to be sleeping, when, just as I manage to cover two numbers in a row, one frail, 72-pound, 97-year-old granny murmurs, "bingo."

Then, as she is brought her awe-inspired, hand-crafted, hand-stitched, hand-crocheted, appliqued piece of Americana artwork, she yawns, rolls her eyes and says, "Gee, I just sat down with only one card, wasn't really paying attention, didn't hear three of the numbers called, and have five of these at home that I'm not even using."

While, I, on the other hand, have the maximum amount of allotted cards filled with every conceivable algorithmic combination of numbers, listened intently to every mumbled number called, played since the inaugural game, and would do anything to seize that blasted quilt from her bony hands (honestly, I think I could take her).

Well, I'm moving on to the only logical course of action. I'm going to abandon this time-wasting obsession of mine, and get on with my life, pursuing an activity with much better odds. I'm buying lottery tickets, and then with the winnings, I'll buy a book on how to win at bingo.