Shopping 101

Well, with the official shopping season in full force, it’s time for a little shopping primer.  This has actually become so complicated, one basically needs legal representation for contract negotiation for even the simplest transaction.  Deciphering the labyrinthine myriad of rules, disclaimers, exceptions, exclusions, and loopholes has become part and parcel of any shopping and dropping.

The traditional holiday shopping season now begins on Black Friday Eve (some of you old timers may remember this as “Thanksgiving”).  Every store will open at a different time and it is up to you, our intrepid shopper, to find out when.

I could tell you to research in advance but that would be pointless as many stores don’t post their hours until right before BFE, so you will just have to search for them with the grim determination of a castaway looking for an immunity idol on Exile Island.

When you finally discover the schedule you must read really, really, tiny, tiny print telling you what is actually on sale and which products to which your coupon applies.

Once, when I was IN A STORE, the manager told me to consult the website to see if something was on sale.  Okay, so now I need to have a team of analysts accompany me to my next shopping expedition to advise me of valid sales.  Like on those shows where they have the geek on the little headset,

"Hey, Baby Girl, can you hack the IP address for this?"

"Sure, but they are bouncing the signal off of several servers.  Luckily, I breached the firewall, created a reverse virus to counteract their worm, and I'm in!!!  Okay, that skirt is definitely 20% off if you have their mobile app, scan the QR code, and like it, tweet it, and pin it to at least 20 friends.  Will there be anything else your sweet self needs?"

Also, there are exactly 3 items in the entire store that actually can be purchased with your coupon and you can bet your little loyalty card that once you are at the register after waiting in line wherein you meet your soul mate, date, and break up you will find that this sale does not apply to the unfortunate item you have selected.

Oh, and don't get me started on returning things.  Well, too late, I'm already started and there's no stopping me now!

Me:  Excuse me, I need to return this item, there's nothing wrong with it, I bought it yesterday, and here's the receipt.

Sales person:  Well, I can't return it because the code on your receipt is an L-code, and see this little number here?   That means I have to enter it with an authorization identifier, which comes from headquarters through an online kiosk which can only be accessed with a key, which I request from my manager, who uses it to email the district manager who validates the sequence number - that's the number on the back of your receipt, combined with your SKU number, then we all simultaneously turn a key after we call the president for the launch codes...

Cause…Why?

Nothing is simple anymore.

A friend and I wanted to challenge ourselves and drove to a nearby picturesque lake where it is possible to walk the entire perimeter – 22 whole miles!!!  Okay, I know you marathoners are scoffing at this point – “That’s not even a whole marathon!” or “Don’t you know how many meters or “K” that is?”  Well, haters, since I will never ever contemplate the reality of running this kind of distance (Marathoners, you crazy!) I do love to walk and previously, after much carjockeying, had walked halfway (okay, Math people, that’s 11 miles) which was a challenge but a lot of fun.

Since 11 miles took 3 hours, I used my limitless math abilities to determine that 22 miles would take – wait for it – wait while I get out my calculator – okay, I got it – 6 hours!!! Well, Math has never walked 22 miles.  Apparently, we had way more ambitious people traveling with us on the 11 mile trek, and the two of us walk slower as we talk faster.

Also, an unusual interchange occurred with each person or persons we encountered on the trail.  Communication only consisted of a few comments because people are focused on walking or, in our case, their overtaking of us, but invariably every single, last person asked what we were walking FOR.

Like a cause, a benefit, or something.  Now I support all kinds of walks, runs, skips in all varieties of K’s, but is it now frowned upon to simply walk for walking’s sake?  Is this not a free country?  Am I frittering away my left-right (left-right-left) resources by not participating in a sanctioned event?

Speaking of events, earlier this summer I did participate (so there!) in a “sanctioned” walk for a cause.  You know, one of those where they throw various substances at the walkers – mud, beer, multi-colored liquids, money? (sorry, it’s for a cause, not me I get it) – and I never did quite figure out what the cause was – it was listed on the brochure as “survivorship” but isn’t that a little nebulous?  I mean that could be just waking up every morning – which believe you me I’m all for!

Anyway, I would like to support a new cause – the Just Be cause.  So, if I want to run, walk, crawl, sit, nap or pretty much anything, I CAN DO IT!  JUST BECAUSE!!  SEND ME MONEY!!  YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!  YOU’RE WELCOME!!!

Mother Nature is Some Scary Chick

So, in the interest of trying to get out there and do more outdoorsy, nature-y stuff, my husband and I thought we would take advantage of hiking in one of the various beautiful parks Illinois has to offer, like Starved Rock or Pere Marquette. (Okay, is THIS how you're supposed to make money with blogs?  I promote their parks, and now the State of Illinois will just send me money, right?  This is hard!!)

But to kind of work up to that - and because I had heard there could be large mountain lions or cougars in these treacherous natural areas, no offense, Illinois - we thought we’d start out at a nice, safe, local forest preserve or park first.

Well, the walk started innocuous enough except for the fact that it was August and kind of a hot day (August? Hot? Go figure. I know, right?), so I kind of had a little headache and after we parked the car (oh yeah, you don’t thing we’d WALK to a hike, do you?) I asked my husband if we could walk down the street to the local coffee shop for a little proactive headache caffeine.

After a much needed frothy frosty Frappuccino (okay, Starbucks, I'll be waiting for that check, now) for fortification (alliterative alert – oh wait, that's another one -  I can’t stop!), we walked back to the starting point, which, by the way, was along a very busy street with cars and trucks barreling down on us constantly (way more dangerous than any potential cougars, I will tell you).  Finally, we made it back to the parking lot and proceeded to head in the direction of the official designated hiking area.

We started to stroll through a little innocent looking grove of trees apparently imported from the Spawn of Satan Rainforest.  Mosquitoes the size of bats were swarming around us the entire 15 feet it took to exit this shaded Hades.  We then had a brief respite passing through a beautiful, perfectly manicured park (much more my style than that unpredictable natural stuff) before we finally entered the much anticipated actual hiking zone that was the prelude to our actual hiking trail.  (I'm really building the suspense here, right?)

A few bicyclists passed us on the path, some looking a bit sketchy, and I thought alleged cougars (of which we had seen none, by the way – whew!) were not the only danger to concern oneself with in open hiking terrain where there were many convenient places to hide a body.  It was a marsh-like biome, with a meandering path and suddenly, a park bench!  By now we had invested all of 25 minutes (including the caffeine detour) and needed a bit of a breather (you have to build up to this level of endurance, people) when what did we see but a solitary, majestic deer.

Now, somewhere in my husband’s research of wildlife he had apparently learned that deer travel in twos or threes and to never, I repeat, NEVER, get between a mother deer and one of her children.  Well, no sooner had he informed me of this time tested hiking lore than, of course, we see what appeared to be a teenage deer (which, of course, we could tell by the rather sullen look on his face which just screamed, “whatever”).

So, our strategy was to stay on the park bench and wait out the ferocious deer gang.  We hoped they would just move past our stealthy, pathetic selves and we could continue on our Iron Man Survival Gauntlet.

After about another 20 minutes of waiting, talking with more passing bicyclists who managed NOT to fall off their bikes laughing when we told them of our dilemma, we finally called it, scrambling quickly back to the safety of our air conditioned Honda Accord (ahem, Honda, do you need my address for that check?) vowing to live to hike again another day when more stringent laws regulating wildlife behavior had been instituted.

Assisted Living

My husband forgot something important the other day - I can't remember what - okay, I just now realized how funny that is, and I threatened him, "I'm going to put you in assisted living!"  (Aren't I a caring wife?)

To which he replied, "Oh my gosh, that would be awesome!  Do I get my own room with my own TV?  They just call me when meals are ready or oh, oh, oh, maybe they could bring them to my room?  Do you think I could get one of those little refrigerators, too?  And maybe no one would visit me?  I could be left alone except for a nurse when I needed something?  When are we going?  Should I pack now?"


I give up.

Weather...or Not

When did weather get so exciting?

I guess hot, cold, rainy, dry just wasn't enough anymore and all those high tech meteorologists - yeah they can't just be called weather persons any more...must have all gotten together and one of them, I guess some alpha leader-type weather czar said,

"Hey listen up, no one's going to pay us insane sums of money for standing in front of a green board and pointing to an imaginary map...we're going to have to up our game.  Step One, we get our own TV channel where we talk about weather 24/7."

"Gee, Alpha Leader-Type Weather Czar, who's going to want to watch weather all the time?  Isn't weather boring?"

"Well, Convenient Question Askerer So I Can Explain This To The Audience Guy, that's where Steps Two and Three come in.  Step Two, we will talk about weather over the entire planet and there's got to be something weathery happening somewhere, and Step Three, when something is happening, we will name it in the time-tested, age-old tradition of exotic dancer nameology."

"We will spin one wheel with various adjectives reflecting extreme bioclimes like polar, arctic or Mars for the winter and equatorial, sub-Saharan or Mercury in the summer.  The second wheel has superhero and villain names on it like Vortex, Blast, Flash, Force, Magneto, Storm, or Wolverine.  Oh yeah, and everything gets a name!  Not just hurricanes.  Also, put Super in front of everything, that's it!"

There is now an entire sub-culture dedicated to extracting scientific information based on cyclical planetary patterns and historical records (like almanacky farmer stuff and groundhognet.com) provided by an intricate network of satellites to basically guess what's going to happen outside.

And when there is big weather a happenin', believe you me, these meteorologists are happier than pigs in flash-flood-warning-created mud.  They will risk life and limb to show you exactly what 175 miles an hour wind feels like mindless of the safety of their poor, unsuspecting camera man.  Really, like the satellites were wrong?  Like you had to actually get on a plane to go to a place that everyone else is supposed to be evacuating to film it first hand?  Like we would sue you if it wasn't as dangerous as you said it was going to be?  Like you needed proof for an upcoming court trial?  Like it's against the law to start four sentences in a row with the word "like?"  Ooops.

Oh yeah, and just in case they think you're nodding off at any time during their broadcast, the subject of Global Warming will rear its ugly head reminding you that all this bad weather is our fault anyway, what with our extensive use of fossil fuels and all.  Have a nice day.