Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Breaking Down Breaking Dawn (Spoiler Alert)


At the risk of much backlash, I'm going to weigh in on the last installment of the Twilight Saga - Breaking Dawn - Part 2.  (Doesn't the "Part 2" kind of ruin the grandeur of it all?  Kind of like: The End of the World - Rough Draft.)  Anyway, I made my two sons accompany me (they probably figure they're in the will no matter what now) and my husband (who probably figured he could get a nap in and I wouldn't be talking for about 2 hours) because, well, just because I really wanted to test that whole "unconditional love" thing.

Anyway, I, too, was a rabid reader of all the Twilight books, but I remember Breaking Dawn as my least favorite because the first half of the book was the whole gross, vampire-baby-killing-me-from-the-inside, then the second part of the book was all about "the battle."

So, I felt there were many product placements throughout the movie - see Bella's cute new red irises?  Wouldn't you like red irises like hers?  Buy Vampire Contacts - a great stocking stuffer for Christmas!!  Then, how many times are we going to look at her oh-so-unique wedding ring?  Thinking of proposing at Christmas? Buy Bella's beautiful wedding ring for her.  She'll love you FOREVER....

Then, the grand assembling of the vampire "cousins" for the battle all in their native garb and makeup...what about our German cousins?  Couldn't they come in lederhosen???  And don't we have some distant relatives from Holland with those cute wooden shoes???  It was like Vampire EPCOT!!!  However, I did like that there was one plus-sized vampiress - of course, she has had about a thousand years to get in shape, and we all know blood is super low-calorie because all the other vampiresses are totally hot and fit, but you go, girl!

Also, lots of head tilting and palming the cheek by Renesmeenessie...whatever her name is...are we supposed to be able to read their minds and figure out what is going on?

I did love that the battle never really happened - nice twist...speaking of twist - why was it so much more difficult to twist off the Volturi leader Aro's head??  Are the bad guys' heads somehow more adhesive?  Also, when one of the werewolves sacrificed him/herself - are we supposed to remember which one had which fur?? I couldn't keep track of who was whose mate and who is now ticked off and will go after whomever!!!

And what about the wondrous battlefield shot to show just how epic this conflict is going to be with all the opponents staring each other down, just waiting to attack?  I think the grip, best boy, or whatever that person is called panned the camera back a little too far.  Based on the cinematographic puny dots they presented on the landscape, it looked like the Jets and the Sharks could have taken them handily.

And how convenient that Running Bear (or whatever HIS name was) shows up at just the right time (Honey, aren't you cold in that loincloth?  There is snow on the ground, you know!) to say, "Hey, I'm a half-breed also (apologies to the Native American Nation) and it works, so back off."

My favorite part?  Bella's new closet.  Which, of course, she turns her little non-materialistic nose up at.  Really, slow down, Bella, let's check out all those bags and purses nicely hanging there.  Hey, what about those shoes?  Come on, there has got to be more than the dress, some casual wear perhaps?  Anything in my size?

And, if anyone had any questions at the end like, "Hey, was that in the book?"  They thoughtfully flipped through the pages just to show you the exact page where, for example, the word "forever" was.  Thank you, I can do my book report now.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Road Rules Religion

My particular driving belief system has two sacred tenets:
1. Misplaced politeness is a sin.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, prematurely merge.

By politeness, I do not, of course, mean common courtesy, like giving the parking spot to the first driver there, or not cutting (or flipping) someone off in traffic. No, I mean "directing traffic" - and not that cute, standing in the middle of an intersection, tweeting your little whistle, choreographing cars as they go by - oh no, I mean that very dangerous, seemingly innocuous, little wave that says, "go ahead."

Imagine you are in your car, trying to turn left onto a busy highway from a nice little neighborhood. You've been waiting for some time for a break in the traffic, but to no avail.

So, here comes Mother Teresa, driving along in her environmentally-friendly Prius, sees your dilemma, and, apparently, in a fit of do-goodedness, wants to do her part to promote world peace. This angel of mercy screeches to a halt in a 50-miles-an-hour speed zone, smiles beatifically, and waves that little wave that says,

"Go ahead, I'm a good person, just pull out in front of this line of bone-crushing metal projectiles which prevents you from seeing the outside lane where no doubt a huge double tractor trailer carrying a wide load is currently approaching which will smash you like a bug on a windshield...literally. Have a nice day."

But, if you detect that I feel strongly about left turn chivalry, it pales in comparison to my fever pitch feelings about merging. This is altruism gone horribly wrong - this is militant selflessness.

If these drivers even glimpse a "Left Lane Closed - 10 Miles Ahead" sign from a distance, they instantaneously swerve to the right lane, lest they blaspheme the interstate gods with their unbridled defiance of staying in the left lane until it is actually closed. Evangelicals that they are, they spread the good word by straddling the middle line, thereby blocking 9 pristine, open miles of perfectly good pavement so you too can join the ranks of driving saints.

Now this is where science and religion collide - I believe there is actually a mathematical physics principle of flow equation that states,

"All cars in both lanes shall progress to the exact point of merge thereby making the most efficient use of available asphalt and maximizing the speed of all involved vehicles, especially Terry's."

This should be taught in school, I'm thinking from kindergarten on. And posted next to the Ten Commandments on judicial buildings...just sayin'.