Monday, January 13, 2014

Weather...or Not

When did weather get so exciting?

I guess hot, cold, rainy, dry just wasn't enough anymore and all those high tech meteorologists - yeah they can't just be called weather persons any more...must have all gotten together and one of them, I guess some alpha leader-type weather czar said,

"Hey listen up, no one's going to pay us insane sums of money for standing in front of a green board and pointing to an imaginary map...we're going to have to up our game.  Step One, we get our own TV channel where we talk about weather 24/7."

"Gee, Alpha Leader-Type Weather Czar, who's going to want to watch weather all the time?  Isn't weather boring?"

"Well, Convenient Question Askerer So I Can Explain This To The Audience Guy, that's where Steps Two and Three come in.  Step Two, we will talk about weather over the entire planet and there's got to be something weathery happening somewhere, and Step Three, when something is happening, we will name it in the time-tested, age-old tradition of exotic dancer nameology."

"We will spin one wheel with various adjectives reflecting extreme bioclimes like polar, arctic or Mars for the winter and equatorial, sub-Saharan or Mercury in the summer.  The second wheel has superhero and villain names on it like Vortex, Blast, Flash, Force, Magneto, Storm, or Wolverine.  Oh yeah, and everything gets a name!  Not just hurricanes.  Also, put Super in front of everything, that's it!"

There is now an entire sub-culture dedicated to extracting scientific information based on cyclical planetary patterns and historical records (like almanacky farmer stuff and groundhognet.com) provided by an intricate network of satellites to basically guess what's going to happen outside.

And when there is big weather a happenin', believe you me, these meteorologists are happier than pigs in flash-flood-warning-created mud.  They will risk life and limb to show you exactly what 175 miles an hour wind feels like mindless of the safety of their poor, unsuspecting camera man.  Really, like the satellites were wrong?  Like you had to actually get on a plane to go to a place that everyone else is supposed to be evacuating to film it first hand?  Like we would sue you if it wasn't as dangerous as you said it was going to be?  Like you needed proof for an upcoming court trial?  Like it's against the law to start four sentences in a row with the word "like?"  Ooops.

Oh yeah, and just in case they think you're nodding off at any time during their broadcast, the subject of Global Warming will rear its ugly head reminding you that all this bad weather is our fault anyway, what with our extensive use of fossil fuels and all.  Have a nice day.