Road Rules Religion

My particular driving belief system has two sacred tenets:
1. Misplaced politeness is a sin.
2. Do not, under any circumstances, prematurely merge.

By politeness, I do not, of course, mean common courtesy, like giving the parking spot to the first driver there, or not cutting (or flipping) someone off in traffic. No, I mean "directing traffic" - and not that cute, standing in the middle of an intersection, tweeting your little whistle, choreographing cars as they go by - oh no, I mean that very dangerous, seemingly innocuous, little wave that says, "go ahead."

Imagine you are in your car, trying to turn left onto a busy highway from a nice little neighborhood. You've been waiting for some time for a break in the traffic, but to no avail.

So, here comes Mother Teresa, driving along in her environmentally-friendly Prius, sees your dilemma, and, apparently, in a fit of do-goodedness, wants to do her part to promote world peace. This angel of mercy screeches to a halt in a 50-miles-an-hour speed zone, smiles beatifically, and waves that little wave that says,

"Go ahead, I'm a good person, just pull out in front of this line of bone-crushing metal projectiles which prevents you from seeing the outside lane where no doubt a huge double tractor trailer carrying a wide load is currently approaching which will smash you like a bug on a windshield...literally. Have a nice day."

But, if you detect that I feel strongly about left turn chivalry, it pales in comparison to my fever pitch feelings about merging. This is altruism gone horribly wrong - this is militant selflessness.

If these drivers even glimpse a "Left Lane Closed - 10 Miles Ahead" sign from a distance, they instantaneously swerve to the right lane, lest they blaspheme the interstate gods with their unbridled defiance of staying in the left lane until it is actually closed. Evangelicals that they are, they spread the good word by straddling the middle line, thereby blocking 9 pristine, open miles of perfectly good pavement so you too can join the ranks of driving saints.

Now this is where science and religion collide - I believe there is actually a mathematical physics principle of flow equation that states,

"All cars in both lanes shall progress to the exact point of merge thereby making the most efficient use of available asphalt and maximizing the speed of all involved vehicles, especially Terry's."

This should be taught in school, I'm thinking from kindergarten on. And posted next to the Ten Commandments on judicial buildings...just sayin'.