Here is a short instructional for you under-a-rock dwellers who have not watched or seen even one clip of the stupidly successful love franchise:
1. For an entire generation of 20-somethings who, instead of dating, travel in packs, texting as they go, you will see some of the most unique, inventive, and creative YouTube-worthy couple experiences ever...all dreamed up by the producers.
2. Each date will have some sort of metaphorical symbolism:
a. jumping off something - taking a "leap of faith" into love
b. climbing something - reaching that peak or goal with your loved one
c. doing something scary - feeling safe or protected by your partner
3. The Love Richter Scale:
3.5 - I think I could see myself maybe falling in love with you.
5.0 - I feel as if I am probably falling in love with you.
6.5 - I am definitely close to falling in love with you.
8.0 - I have absolutely, completely, irrevocably fallen in love with you. (Cue the aftershocks.)
4. Transportation vehicles are varied: limos, helicopters, seaplanes, horse-drawn carriages, numerous boats (many large enough to jump off of), and an occasional ambulance (don't ask).
5. There will be one schizophrenic contestant who "is different in the house" than with the much-coveted bachelor/ette. Anyone with a pulse or sentience above a lichen can observe this, however, it will take at least 6 cocktail parties, 4 rose ceremonies, 2 hot tub get togethers, and many puzzled expressions until our beloved bachelor/ette realizes it and promptly kicks the rose-less imposter to the curb.
6. The families of the potential mates will be much involved in the selection process and their approval and opinions are mightily considered in the decision. If this were to happen to the rest of the population no one would ever get engaged, married, or even date.
7. When the final choice is made between the last two contestants, they will be engaged for exactly three commercial breaks, split up, get back together, and appear on various "tell all" TV specials discussing their break up-getting back together. Various hot rejects from the show will appear again in the skankier, retread show "Bachelor Pad." One of the remaining finalists will then be the next bacherlor/ette, thus continuing the circle of life according to ABC.
