Sunday, May 5, 2013

The Anti-Bucket List


Unless you've had no communication with the outside world or seen a movie in 10 years, you've probably heard of the concept of the "bucket list."  You know, like life didn't hold enough pressure as it is, now we have agendas to complete before we "kick the bucket."

Well, in the way I approach most things - I am taking the opposite approach.  I have a harder time really nailing down my holy grail activities as much as I definitely know what things I, no matter how long I live, will never want to do.

I call this my "f*** it list"..er, um, ahem, sorry, let's just say it rhymes with bucket list and leave it at that.

My list to date:

1.  Getting a tattoo. (There is no place on a 54-year-old body that a tattoo will enhance in any way or that I want to draw extra attention to or will not sag or already has.)
2.  Getting any additional piercings.  (See # 1)
3.  "Antiquing." (I'm sorry, it's just old stuff - usually, dead people's old stuff.)
4.  Paintball (Really?  Adults running around with fake guns creating more laundry??)
5.  NASCAR (Cars endlessly circling around a track, people interested in this, gas fumes, did I mention the people?)
6.  Seeing another movie with the word "sisterhood" in it.
7.  Fishing, hunting, camping. (Anything that purposely denies the amazing ready made amenities of modern day life like Filet o' fish, duck à l'orange, and Marriotts.)
8.  Alaskan cruise. (Snow on the Lido deck?  I don't think so.)
9.  Traveling to any country for which I must get shots for yellow fever and malaria, among other diseases.  (Seriously?  I am purposely going someplace which is rife with diseases for which I have no immunity while here in the United States I routinely sneeze into my elbow to avoid passing on my germs, use hand sanitizer religiously when I touch a doorknob- and speaking of religiously, apparently now people use hand sanitizer in church right after the sign of peace - ironic?, and get a flu shot even though it only covers the 5 main strains of flu for that particular flu season?)
10.  Striving to make lists of things that have perfect round numbers like 10, because, yeah, in life everything comes in tens that oh so neatly wrap up what you need to know.  What, you can't have the top 9?  It has to be be 10?  What are we all drinking the Letterman Koolaid - does he dictate to us that 10 is the only number that is acceptable for any and all lists?  Is this another plot to force us to use the metric system that is based on...you guessed it...10!  Wait, what?  Oh yeah, ahem, sorry.