Definition of Irony

Today, I walked past a woman in the grocery store. She was talking quite loudly on her cell phone. She said, "I'm really not very good at public speaking."

Really?

How to Annoy Millenials Haiku - Part 2

Price is $6.18.

Give $11.23.

Sit back; watch 'em squirm.

How to Annoy Millenials Haiku - Part 1

How to annoy a

Millenial; send letter.

Write it in cursive.

Do It Your Own Damn Self

Recently, this past winter, during an extended "temperature is this but really feels like...whoa! THIS??" cold snap, I hit rock bottom and decided to replace all my 80's-looking doorknobs. ('Cuz everybody KNOWS anything 80's is soooooo passe...just think how embarrassed we will all be when someone comes up to us in about 20 years and says.. "hey, the 20teens called and they want their flat screens and iPhones back.")

Anyway, I stupidly asked the Home Depot (just send those checks right 'chere, Home Depot - I am a'bloggin' away on y'all) person if it was difficult to change door knobs and he said, and I quote, "no problem, two screws, and uh, 'more saving, more doing,' have a nice day."  So, I thought even a novice DIY-er like myself who knows little more than "righty-tighty, lefty loosey" should be able to knock it out in my remaining lifetime.

Boy, was I optimistic.

First of all, the doorknob instructions people, reading glasses people, and Rosetta Stone people are in cahoots with each other because, well, you know....tiny print, many languages....blah, blah, blah.  Also, researched the word "cahoots" for about 5 minutes because, well, you know, I can google like nobody's business, but, truthfully, word origin...not that interesting or funny.

But the helpful doorknob people made one mistake, in letters I could actually read, by posting a toll-free (Is anything really toll-free anymore?  It's all just minutes now, right?  Does anyone ever say anymore, "Don't talk too long it's LONG DISTANCE!!!???" But I digress...) Help Line!!!  My favorite thing!!!  Because I will not waste even one second trying to figure out a-n-y-thing if there is someone there to tell me how to do it!!!  I am a people person!!  I can ask question after question until I get what I want!!  Don't you want to meet me??

Before I had the first old doorknob off, I had talked to about 90% of the helpful help line staff but my favorites were Angie, Mitch, and James.  At one point, Angie got a little testy when she heard me hammering for no apparent reason and told me in no uncertain terms, "You're not hammering on the latch mechanism, are you???"  I'm not proud of the fact that I had to lie to the Ang-ster.

By the second doorknob, they started answering the phone with, "What is it now, Terry?"  Which I really appreciated as personalized service.  I even called once when Angie, sounding a bit flustered, said Mitch had just played a practical joke on her, and she was distracted.  All I heard in the background was muffled laughing from James and Mitch and something that sounded like, "She's your problem now, Angie-girl, you lost the bet!"  Such a fun group.

Anyway all the doorknobs are done, Mitch, Angie, and James are now followers of my blog, (your loss, Home Depot), and I am looking for the next project...what do you say, Loews...you wanna "build something together and never stop improving" with me?

Shopping 101

Well, with the official shopping season in full force, it’s time for a little shopping primer.  This has actually become so complicated, one basically needs legal representation for contract negotiation for even the simplest transaction.  Deciphering the labyrinthine myriad of rules, disclaimers, exceptions, exclusions, and loopholes has become part and parcel of any shopping and dropping.

The traditional holiday shopping season now begins on Black Friday Eve (some of you old timers may remember this as “Thanksgiving”).  Every store will open at a different time and it is up to you, our intrepid shopper, to find out when.

I could tell you to research in advance but that would be pointless as many stores don’t post their hours until right before BFE, so you will just have to search for them with the grim determination of a castaway looking for an immunity idol on Exile Island.

When you finally discover the schedule you must read really, really, tiny, tiny print telling you what is actually on sale and which products to which your coupon applies.

Once, when I was IN A STORE, the manager told me to consult the website to see if something was on sale.  Okay, so now I need to have a team of analysts accompany me to my next shopping expedition to advise me of valid sales.  Like on those shows where they have the geek on the little headset,

"Hey, Baby Girl, can you hack the IP address for this?"

"Sure, but they are bouncing the signal off of several servers.  Luckily, I breached the firewall, created a reverse virus to counteract their worm, and I'm in!!!  Okay, that skirt is definitely 20% off if you have their mobile app, scan the QR code, and like it, tweet it, and pin it to at least 20 friends.  Will there be anything else your sweet self needs?"

Also, there are exactly 3 items in the entire store that actually can be purchased with your coupon and you can bet your little loyalty card that once you are at the register after waiting in line wherein you meet your soul mate, date, and break up you will find that this sale does not apply to the unfortunate item you have selected.

Oh, and don't get me started on returning things.  Well, too late, I'm already started and there's no stopping me now!

Me:  Excuse me, I need to return this item, there's nothing wrong with it, I bought it yesterday, and here's the receipt.

Sales person:  Well, I can't return it because the code on your receipt is an L-code, and see this little number here?   That means I have to enter it with an authorization identifier, which comes from headquarters through an online kiosk which can only be accessed with a key, which I request from my manager, who uses it to email the district manager who validates the sequence number - that's the number on the back of your receipt, combined with your SKU number, then we all simultaneously turn a key after we call the president for the launch codes...

Cause…Why?

Nothing is simple anymore.

A friend and I wanted to challenge ourselves and drove to a nearby picturesque lake where it is possible to walk the entire perimeter – 22 whole miles!!!  Okay, I know you marathoners are scoffing at this point – “That’s not even a whole marathon!” or “Don’t you know how many meters or “K” that is?”  Well, haters, since I will never ever contemplate the reality of running this kind of distance (Marathoners, you crazy!) I do love to walk and previously, after much carjockeying, had walked halfway (okay, Math people, that’s 11 miles) which was a challenge but a lot of fun.

Since 11 miles took 3 hours, I used my limitless math abilities to determine that 22 miles would take – wait for it – wait while I get out my calculator – okay, I got it – 6 hours!!! Well, Math has never walked 22 miles.  Apparently, we had way more ambitious people traveling with us on the 11 mile trek, and the two of us walk slower as we talk faster.

Also, an unusual interchange occurred with each person or persons we encountered on the trail.  Communication only consisted of a few comments because people are focused on walking or, in our case, their overtaking of us, but invariably every single, last person asked what we were walking FOR.

Like a cause, a benefit, or something.  Now I support all kinds of walks, runs, skips in all varieties of K’s, but is it now frowned upon to simply walk for walking’s sake?  Is this not a free country?  Am I frittering away my left-right (left-right-left) resources by not participating in a sanctioned event?

Speaking of events, earlier this summer I did participate (so there!) in a “sanctioned” walk for a cause.  You know, one of those where they throw various substances at the walkers – mud, beer, multi-colored liquids, money? (sorry, it’s for a cause, not me I get it) – and I never did quite figure out what the cause was – it was listed on the brochure as “survivorship” but isn’t that a little nebulous?  I mean that could be just waking up every morning – which believe you me I’m all for!

Anyway, I would like to support a new cause – the Just Be cause.  So, if I want to run, walk, crawl, sit, nap or pretty much anything, I CAN DO IT!  JUST BECAUSE!!  SEND ME MONEY!!  YOU CAN DO IT TOO!!  YOU’RE WELCOME!!!

Mother Nature is Some Scary Chick

So, in the interest of trying to get out there and do more outdoorsy, nature-y stuff, my husband and I thought we would take advantage of hiking in one of the various beautiful parks Illinois has to offer, like Starved Rock or Pere Marquette. (Okay, is THIS how you're supposed to make money with blogs?  I promote their parks, and now the State of Illinois will just send me money, right?  This is hard!!)

But to kind of work up to that - and because I had heard there could be large mountain lions or cougars in these treacherous natural areas, no offense, Illinois - we thought we’d start out at a nice, safe, local forest preserve or park first.

Well, the walk started innocuous enough except for the fact that it was August and kind of a hot day (August? Hot? Go figure. I know, right?), so I kind of had a little headache and after we parked the car (oh yeah, you don’t thing we’d WALK to a hike, do you?) I asked my husband if we could walk down the street to the local coffee shop for a little proactive headache caffeine.

After a much needed frothy frosty Frappuccino (okay, Starbucks, I'll be waiting for that check, now) for fortification (alliterative alert – oh wait, that's another one -  I can’t stop!), we walked back to the starting point, which, by the way, was along a very busy street with cars and trucks barreling down on us constantly (way more dangerous than any potential cougars, I will tell you).  Finally, we made it back to the parking lot and proceeded to head in the direction of the official designated hiking area.

We started to stroll through a little innocent looking grove of trees apparently imported from the Spawn of Satan Rainforest.  Mosquitoes the size of bats were swarming around us the entire 15 feet it took to exit this shaded Hades.  We then had a brief respite passing through a beautiful, perfectly manicured park (much more my style than that unpredictable natural stuff) before we finally entered the much anticipated actual hiking zone that was the prelude to our actual hiking trail.  (I'm really building the suspense here, right?)

A few bicyclists passed us on the path, some looking a bit sketchy, and I thought alleged cougars (of which we had seen none, by the way – whew!) were not the only danger to concern oneself with in open hiking terrain where there were many convenient places to hide a body.  It was a marsh-like biome, with a meandering path and suddenly, a park bench!  By now we had invested all of 25 minutes (including the caffeine detour) and needed a bit of a breather (you have to build up to this level of endurance, people) when what did we see but a solitary, majestic deer.

Now, somewhere in my husband’s research of wildlife he had apparently learned that deer travel in twos or threes and to never, I repeat, NEVER, get between a mother deer and one of her children.  Well, no sooner had he informed me of this time tested hiking lore than, of course, we see what appeared to be a teenage deer (which, of course, we could tell by the rather sullen look on his face which just screamed, “whatever”).

So, our strategy was to stay on the park bench and wait out the ferocious deer gang.  We hoped they would just move past our stealthy, pathetic selves and we could continue on our Iron Man Survival Gauntlet.

After about another 20 minutes of waiting, talking with more passing bicyclists who managed NOT to fall off their bikes laughing when we told them of our dilemma, we finally called it, scrambling quickly back to the safety of our air conditioned Honda Accord (ahem, Honda, do you need my address for that check?) vowing to live to hike again another day when more stringent laws regulating wildlife behavior had been instituted.